Read: Being a Wuss.
No, I know, the whole point is to lose that kind of language.
Well, this is where my CBT Therapist has got me know. We agree that this might be the main gist of what is wrong with me, the main issue. Possibly stemming, of all things, from a fear of abandonment, and emotional neglect, many many of the things that are reactions that trouble me could be brought down to this.
Everyone has different reactions when they are intolerant to distress, from self-harm to, in my case more than anything else, escape.
What makes me angry with myself is I knew the causes, I had figured it all out and was aware of the whole thing, but still I couldn’t stop myself from overreacting dramatically to what is just, well, stuff that happens in any life.
People die, people leave you, people tell you you were never as close as you wanted us to be, an it’s just up to you to go through the emotions, which are stuff everyone goes through, and not crumble, constantly working and using up all your energy in just picking yourself up. Move the bloody hell on!
I also realised, just as I signed off the first module for today, that my constant desire to further my studies and find excuses or escape is also related to avoidance, in order to not have to go through the experience of failure, frustration, feeling out of place and unable.
But I also have to remember. I must remember Joy. She was a woman whom I’d met with another woman, and they both stopped me one day to say how the English Lit seminar we all attended together was their favourite of all, just because of what I said and especially how I said it – they loved my voice.
A few months later she had thrown herself under a train.
Dear, dear Joy, I owe it to you and so many others to think better of myself, because I can overcome these stupid impediments, whereas you will never get the chance again.
Here goes then.