Your greatest resource

I have dear friends who were concerned about my lack of writing. Bless them.

In truth, whenever I have a stable time, I tend not to want to “rock the boat”. From the outside, it may look like I’m withdrawing. It often also means I might avoid seeing the few friends I actually manage to see, and actively discourage even the rarest visits. I kind of hold my breath, I guess, or rather, breathe out very slowly, and just relax.

I know, as everybody understands who has mind happiness issues (I prefer this terminology to mental health issues), that nothing is fixed in time, and nothing is reliable, and everything can change from one instant to the next. So when things are good, you hum to yourself softly and let them be good.

That does mean also that I find it difficult to actively seek out and read other bloggers with similar issues: I like to keep calm when calm is my name. Am I being selfish? Perhaps. But self-love is the first step towards any other type of love, and I think we can all agree that love is the answer to everything, so who best to start loving if not ourselves? Then it’ll be easier to love others.

This does not mean I am not open to helping out if helping is needed. If anyone feels they want to have a chat, needs a tarot reading, just contact me, write to me, email me at animella.aria @ gmail dot com, or whatever.

Anybody who is aware of suffering from mental happiness issues knows they share with people who consider themselves happy and healthy and with those who have physical happiness issues, that the clue to everything is yourself. How YOU approach things. YOU are your greatest resource, and alas, in most cases, YOU are your greatest ailment and cause of the same.

So, healing yourself and relying on yourself is probably the best thing you can do. This includes knowing what external situations, medicines or arrangements can help you, and (this is the difficult part) actively decide to use them.

For many, many years, I have been seeking answers. And I have sought them everywhere: religions, philosophies, people, friends, relatives, strangers, travels, books… the list is endless. Whenever someone told me “the answer lies within” I would get mad and angry and say yes but “can I have a helping hand? I only have confusion within!!”.

Well, I should have known then that the process for finding that helping hand is incredibly simple: start by seeking where your pleasure takes you, then follow that route. Don’t question too much.

Avoid people who make you unhappy no matter how well-meaning they are, change jobs to find one that suits you, ask your doctor to try different pills, don’t be afraid to ask your friends to arrange their house so your wheelchair can fit or how they can avoid your allergies playing up on you or whether they can avoid meat just while you’re visiting ’cause it upsets you. The best thing you can do for me is allow me to do something that will help you, make you comfortable, and not hold it against me if I don’t succeed perfectly. Don’t assume anyone knows what would make you happy or comfortable and they just don’t care. They do, they just don’t know how best to show it.

If yoga is something that does not attract me, much as I understand how beneficial it is for anyone else, I don’t question that, I don’t berate myself, and, more importantly, I don’t let other people berate me for not accepting that it IS helpful. Not anymore. I used to, for years, feel bad about myself because I wasn’t able to help myself, though people kept telling me how if I did this I’d feel better, and if I did that.

But I am able to help myself, you are able, everyone is able! We just don’t want to accept that making ourselves better might imply making an active choice and possibly risk alienating or disappointing some people.

In later years I found out about my joint laxity, and hypermobility syndrome, which now makes it difficult to walk as my knees are goners and even my elbow hurts as I walk. What is the worst thing I could have done to my body? Yoga!! Yoga is great for those who are stiff, but for those who are extra supple, like me, all I’d have done is even more prematurely destroy my joints. So all that time feeling guilty because I wasn’t doing the miraculous yoga thing was just wasted time (as any time feeling guilt tends to be).

What works for you may well not work for me, and viceversa. But by all means: expose me to all there is, and let me pick and choose!

What works for me is what I always desired and always was berated and made to feel silly about: isolation.

My stressors are people, my traumas are linked to people, my allergy is to people, the very people that I love. In fact, the more intensely I love them, the more likely I am to want to avoid them. Well then, after many years, I have finally accepted that I no longer force myself to see people so they don’t feel bad, or left out, and I don’t feel bad when I just can’t do it.

I used to run away from a town or country so I wouldn’t be expected to see people! Now I can just say: I’m sorry, I don’t feel comfortable seeing you, and not feel guilty about it. Unfortunately, if they choose to be offended by that instead of seeing it for what it is, it’s their problem, not mine, not anymore.

That is one major change in me which has been developing in the past couple of years and becoming more and more central to my core, and stabilising my core.

You are your greatest resource: find out what makes you happy and what doesn’t, avoid what makes you unhappy, and seek out actively what makes you happy. It is simple as hell, though actively putting those into practice may not be as simple.

One of the main factors that make it so difficult is GUILT. Guilt is an idiot feeling that was imposed on us by a number of societal crutches. If your crutch makes you feel guilty, then perhaps it is time to seek a new one.

For years my PRIDE stopped me from seeking help. Now as I felt even the Propranolol didn’t seem to be enough, I went to the doctor’s and told her about it and now I am happily taking a small dose of Citalopram, and it’s doing wonders. AND my trusty daily B12. That is making me happy, and Propranolol is there for special circumstances, I live in a pretty house far away from chaos, I hate the main road who killed my precious white cat but that I can do nothing about.

I did get a new kitten, mostly for my daughter who couldn’t stop crying for our white cat: the kitten replaces the missing catness, though never the cat, and we’re happy with her. And we don’t feel the least bit guilty about it.



9 thoughts on “Your greatest resource

  1. I don’t think it’s selfish. When I’m having a stable period or a manic period or a WOW SO HAPPY YAAY or even a calm zen mood — it is hard to come back here and read through posts that describe where I just got out of. I know it’s temporary, but those bursts become so ever rate that I savor them as much as I can without ANY background noise. That also includes family and friends and general situations that can pop my proverbial bubble.

    I’m glad to see you again, though. On my part at least — I’m not the least bit offended. I only wish you the very best and sometimes we get that “away” from “here.”

    Liked by 1 person

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