Apparently it is peace day today. I don’t like whatever days. I care about something all year round or I don’t, a day isn’t going to make a difference to me. However, I guess, they are helpful for those who don’t know about, say, cancer or peace or whatever.
I wanted to tell everyone to see the films Human
They are very good and convey very well how I already feel. I could not bring myself to go to war on anybody because everyone is human. These videos are visually stunning and convey that very well.
I think back to last Friday night. My good friend C. who had come to stay a couple of day had gone to bed, my husband too and so I was left with my good friend I., who held my hands and sincerely, albeit a little wobblyingly as drink had been taken, asked me how I was.
I told him I was actually very well thank you, he reminded me how worried about me he and K. were just a couple of weeks ago. It’s always a little weird when you are reminded that your whole outlook on life can seem wholly unnatural to yourself just a few days down the line.
As I really was happy, I’d seen them and all, I struggled to find what was wrong. Eventually I just said, well, I guess I wish I could do more, be more. I have/had ideas, plans, that just never seemed to come true. Then there was a glimpse of hope/panic: maybe I have a mental health condition and therefore any hope of having those come into reality is lost. Whether right or not, I’ve been told I have nothing beyond anxiety or depression. Guy who gave the diagnosis may have been wrong, but what matters is I have that to work with now. If he’s right, there should be nothing but myself standing in my way.
And yet. I feel tired.
I want to just enjoy my house, my kids, the work I manage to do, and my animals. I want to create more communication with my husband, that is my challenge. I like my friends around, but I am now more willing to be here for their sake than my own. I’d love to have a couple of lost friends back… but there ain’t nothing I can do about that. So thinking about my good troublesome friend B. coming over for my birthday… no. Too much stress. What if he speaks out of turn as he often does. What if he insults my dear friends as he likes to do? No, I won’t invite him over. And if he asks, then I’ll see how I feel then.
And my plans, my dreams? They were to help people help themselves. So much work to get there: a counselling course, a proper one that qualifies you. Or work towards that big house of shelter and learning I always dreamed of.
Who am I kidding? I feel deflated, tired, and yes, my friend I. said, you are bringing up three kids, and, I know, tying to be there for your friends, that is more than enough. Maybe that’s enough?
He reminisced, having had drinks, about his school acquaintance, who came out when he was attending the same school. He was then shunned. He told me how he wished he could have gone up to him when he saw him, one day, working behind a counter, and say I’m sorry. I’m sorry I didn’t come out too, I didn’t support you in front of everyone. He chose instead to live a lie and stay safe. How can you blame him? I wanted to create the place where people like him and his friend could come and find the courage and support to make their life a happy healthy place for themselves. I still want to do it, but doing it alone is way too difficult at the moment. My husband does not share that dream, and that makes it three times harder, almost impossible. In any case, I have no money of my own, and I have kids to grow, and… well there you go.
So the world peace thing says who are you going to make peace with today.
Can I say me? Or the idea that as I am is all I’ll ever be?
I’m at peace with me. That’s good enough for today 🙂