Edit: I just want to say,
@privatvpn are the best, their support is the best and I am feeling flowers and daisies for them right now. Thank you!
Well, I kind of was here
About an hour ago I decided that my brain would not have it today, that I was NOT capable of focusing on this enough to solve it (I used to be pretty good at computer stuff… there it is, I’ve said, for the first time, regarding computer stuff: I used to be). It took me an hour more, my brain trying to shut out the girls (including my little neighbour nemesis, more on her later), my brain trying to tell me “Work! Goddamit you have work to do!!”, my brain trying to tell me: “Stop reading blogs: work!” and all sorts of other things (Including a bloody STEAM ENGINE driving past on the street making the whole house tremble), to finally give up and install a different application and just say “sod it”.
“Sod it” seems to be my new religion.
My hypermobility leads me to suffer for days for the consequences of one day walking too fast or too far. Sod it. My mood and/or personality disorder leads me to change my mind about everything and anything within hours and it’s exhausting. Sod it. My circulation is crap for unknown reasons and my pressure is lowering which means my anxiety pills cause me serious dizziness. Sod them. I know I will never recover the sharpness of thought that used to distinguish me. Sod it. I give up, as I have been giving up on and off for a few years now. Giving up is good and feels relaxing. What I can’t do, I will no longer force myself to do. Path of least resistance and all that. I can’t focus or concentrate and I get excessively fatigued so I can’t work. That’s fine. I’ll do it when I can and when I can’t I’ll play The Witcher.
I seem to be at an incredibly serene time of my life, where the only thing that is ever really wrong is my mood or my pattern of thought. I am getting better than ever at slowly snaking myself out of it and into a level state, and finding things to do that will help me while at the same time actively working on my guilt because I should be doing something else. If I can’t focus today either I just say sod that too and try again the following day.
My new aim is to reach the end of a blog post having written about what I actually intended to (something far more meaningful, poetic and inspired than this drivel-take my word for it it would have been mind-blowing.). That is my new challenge. Once again I failed, but now I have to get back to work (or rather, start working), so I say sod it.
I did get Blade Runner through the post, which will be part of my present to my beautiful soon-to-be 18-year-old son. Wednesday is his birthday and I will be taking him to an interview to see if he can access the Music Higher National Diploma course without a Music A Level, then Meadowhall to look for his second pair of shoes. Last time we were at the shopping mall together we had this brilliant conversation about Anarchy and Free will and the MIND, all after I burst out of my husband’s car in a rage and stormed home on foot, so I’m looking forward to spending time with him. His birthday is always a struggle not to remember all the circumstances around his birth and the before and the after so I always have to actively dismiss such thoughts. He is so cool and I consider it an achievement for me as well that that’s now TWO boys who have grown to maturity without the excessive damage many people thought they would suffer from living with nutter old me, so sod them naysayers too! 😀