I realised a few days ago I was about to congratulate someone on keeping a job.
A friend came over last night, one of the good ones. His husband was poorly so he came alone, we don’t often get the chance to chat alone. He asked me briefly “And how are you doing?” He knows. What a relief it is to speak to someone who knows that “And how are You doing?” means “How are you dealing with your growing understanding that you are … not quite able to control what comes in and out of your mind?” and be able to answer by giving him a wide-eyed a-little-scared-stare and then hear him say gently “You’re dealing”.
I am dealing. That’s all I seem to be able to do lately. I have a book I am translating, I love it, it’s fun, and the author looks like he’s paying me, too. I have another book lined up, again the author seems to want to pay me. That’s good. But this morning at 4 started with me looking at stuff in here, which was extremely interesting to do and read about. Then I worked 5 minutes, then I got up and filled in the questionnaire I’m supposed to have with me when Talking Mental Health calls.
One question asks whether it affects my ability to work. Yes it does. So what do I do after that? I look for a job in the council. Usual reaction to money worries. I am about to apply for one then I say: “No, Val, put the mouse down. Finish the work you have already been given first.”
Ah yes. Of course.
What a blooming idiot.
I continue translating, I get a little urge to travel, to move to Spain, to start a fresh new life, the old change country buzz. That’s over now, I am happy here, I am needed here until they’re all adults at least, after that… we’ll see. As my friend says, “your important friends are here”. He’s right. Chesterfield is now the centre of the world.
Three hours have passed and no thoughts have lasted for more than half an hour at a time. I got up because I couldn’t sleep so I thought I may as well do some work. I must have translated two lines all in all. Way to go! Concentration is not my forte. I am just wasting time. Waiting. Not sure what for exactly.