Waiting for the “up” stage?

My head is so full of thoughts I cannot even begin to try and place them. So I try and note one by one and try to dissipate them. One by one. I am doing ok with my daily explosions since I have stopped my anxiety pillolette. But today I know I can’t let that usual thought trick me into not continuing on my road to seeking help: “I’m kind of ok, actually, I can probably do without.”

Yes I explode ad yes I get the brainstorm of thoughts which jumps one stair to the other and starts trying to take me down. But I have begun to notice now. So, I notice that once I neutralise the thoughts that feed that hyperactive heart and that lack of breath I am now familiar with, once I spear those thoughts that spark that now familiar fright then flight instinct, my brain kicks me and starts sending thoughts of past. Past people, past words… inch by inch it tries to creep me back, it makes me look around all the lovely lovely shiny happy people around here and it tries to make me think: “You will NEVER be one of them”. But I stop it this time, oh I am so clever. I stop them and so it tricks me and it tries to take me back, show me things, show me people, show me words spoken by so many, in the past. So I turn around and take a deep breath and gaze at Mr Wind Turbine, my daily friend as I come and go through the fields to take my daughter to school. I breathe and I make it home.

At home I decide to dissipate some of those anxious thoughts, at least those concerning the constant lack of money we also seem to get into. I say fine, he’s not paying me? I will therefore leave his work aside today and do my Tax Return, hopefully then the stupid emails from HRMC will stop harassing me saying “It is Time! Do it!!” When it’s due in blooming January. So yes, I have decided to do that. But I can’t get started. Again, I decide not to panic, and I decide not to force myself to do it anyway: that, I have established in my self-analysis by self-counselling myself as I wait for a qualified one, is one of the reasons why I was/am always so worn out: as I wasn’t aware/didn’t want to accept that I had a mental disorder (this is the first time I say it that way and it’s very weird and it took me a while to write it) I would grit my teeth and burst through with my will and do what I had decided to do anyway. And that would leave me depleted, exhausted, and open wide wide doors to depression. So no, this time, I am noting all the thoughts as fast as I can, letting them pass, waiting for them to settle, and I decide fine, if it’s not happening, I am going to sit down and take advantage of an internet connection being slightly better in the morning, and everyone being asleep, to finally watch this, something I know so much about because of reading about it, but never gave myself the time to watch it:

Then hopefully, today, I will finally have found the motivation to book that appointment with the GP ad start the whole merry-go-round again, and do my tax return (which will take no time at all since very few people have paid me :/)

P.S. In one of my moods with one of my usual insanely clear reasons (at the time) I went and privatised all my personal/biographical/rambling posts, not realising that this would mean a whole bunch of others would get “republished”. It also means that if I de-privatise them they will get republished, I guess, and spam a lot of people so I won’t do it, or try not to. If it happens again I apologise in advance :/


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