It’s been a full weekend.
I’d say it all started last week, a crisis from a blogger interaction, my own epiphanies, epistolary exchanges to clarify things and let go of the anger with a dear friend, my self-diagnosis as I wait to see my GP to work towards confirmation, then my husband coming down for the weekend, going to pick up my son from Uni for a few weeks back home, dealing with my husband’s achievement of triggering me in just one sentence and dealing with coming off that.
Worrying about our move then the above mentioned dear friend meeting with my husband and with just a few magic words relieving us of enormous stress, feeling enormously grateful.
Dealing with the physical pain of my chest still clenched, on and off but mostly very on since that panic moment last week and discovering that Diclofenac and paracetamol helps! Feeling physically relieved about that.
Today husband gone back up North and me soon to prepare to leave for the station, to get the train to London where I will meet my dearest friend and he will help sooth the nerves that are bound to strain as I start the Introduction to Counselling course he gave me as a gift.
I enrolled a few months back and of course I have been swinging from enthusiasm and curiosity about it to worry about travel expenses to worry about whether I should or shouldn’t even go to the course in the first place.
Of course the answer is yes I have nothing to lose it’ll be interesting and I have always been passionate about psychology every since high school. On the other hand I have a sister-in-law who is a psychotherapist, one of the proper ones you know who carry on studying and getting degrees for years and years and positively despises counsellors, saying they are nowhere near qualified to help people with serious disorders which they are in no way qualified to diagnose so how do they know whether they are doing the right thing?
Having had experience of two counsellors in my life where in both cases the best thing about them was chatting, which I then realised I should just find the right friends to do it with, I saw what she meant.
But on the other hand I thought you know what? Considering the state of society the way English social connections work and the way I have my best friends too far to chat on a constant basis and the near ones don’t have the “chatting about yourself in emotional honesty” skill very well developed, I thought what is wrong with paying someone to lend a sympathetic ear, even if that is all you think they do?
I think the mistake my Uni counsellor made was not refer me to someone else. I mean I attempted suicide, you chat with me for eight months, you come to the conclusion that I seem to have all the answers and have such a lucid approach and I know all the right things to do and you cannot help me, then maybe just maybe you are just not qualified with whatever is ailing me?
So we’ll see how this goes. If I like it I may continue studying in the years to come and maybe really start that as a new career. I would love it, I do love to help people and I would love to actually be better trained to do it rather than rely on my volatile instinct. I hope to learn to recognise when I’m just not enough for someone and therefore know how to direct them elsewhere properly. I hope I learn to help without caring so much that it upsets me every day. I am curious to see how I would deal with people who trigger my anxiety or make me self-conscious or upset me or stress me or make me uneasy.
I also hope that learning about this might help me deal better with my own demons, as another friend puts it.
So, an exciting day for me. I am positively vanquishing my social anxiety and will ignore the rising fever I feel coming on and get dressed without worrying too much about my lack of decent clothes and actually leave Cambridge and this house and enter the city that always feels like home and do one of the hardest things for me to do: go, alone, and join a group of people. Without alcohol to help in the process. [Actually, come to think of it, a pint (or two) before the course may not be such a bad idea after all].
And also, I will now stop typing about it in an effort not make it sound feasible and less scary and just make myself a mug of coffee and play a little Star Wars The Old Republic with its double XP weekend or maybe watch a little “The Originals” and then just go. Yes.
I am totally not terrified and will not build up increased anxiety as I travel down in the train. I will focus on meeting one of the three people left in this world who do not spark my anxiety and he will walk me all the way to the entrance and he will let go of my hand and I will walk in the building and I won’t get lost and I won’t feel terrified and panicky about asking where I should go and answering the question who are you? and whatever else.
Ah gah blah ok it’ll be fun I’m switching off now byeee it was nice knowing you byeee.
Ahha was looking for stuff to post visually and found these and I think all of them might do yes.