So, here I am. Today is a good example of why I feel I need to get some sort of grasp on how my mind works.
I started off the morning incredibly well, all positive and feeling, no, KNOWING, I would find, more than fine, I could even help other whooopee! Not manic per se, just very positive, level, I thought. The temptation, as always, as ever, is to feel noting is ever again going to be wrong with me. Who can dismantle such confidence, such assuredness?
Yesterday I came across one of the blogs I follow(ed) and I made a comment. I thought twice about it, didn’t mean it to be judgemental at all. But I do deeply believe that wishing innocent people dead is just not good for you (or for them, for that matter, but that’s just me), and I just went back on my steps, and said it. I tried very hard not to sound in any way judging and stuff. Argh clearly not enough. Anyhow. this morning I saw a post of hers, and although she does not mention me, I knew, I KNEW that I had set it off. The implication was that she had completely misunderstood me, that she thought I was some kind of Buddhist evangelist, that I questioned her faith even (!). But in any case, like I said, I am not judging her. At first I thought I’d just let it go. I know it was a reaction to me though, so partly through my own need for people not to misjudge me (a HUGE component of my pains) and partly because I thought I could make things better for her, as I felt rotten that I had sparked what clearly was such a very negative feeling in her, I commented. Again. Why don’t I learn? I thought I made it very clear yes happiness yes all good bla bla positive even jesus yay! Not lies, just making sure it was superhappy positive.
No. Her response was aggressive, full of hatred, “you are not the boss of me” “you can’t tell me what to do” and things like that. I felt like someone had physically punched me in the face. Emotionally, I was divided between feeling desperately sorry for upsetting her. A part of my mind raced to understand what i could possibly have said that could have been misread so enormously. Another part of my mind started to come up, creeping up, making me want to cry for the injustice. CRY! I don’t even know this person!! I am adult enough to know the poor thing is in a lot of pain and just lashed out at me, I should not be affected by it! I wondered whether to unfollow her and let her be, but I thought let’s give her a chance, she might want to retort or whatever. So I wrote that I was so sorry, that i meant no harm, that i understood she was clearly and pain but really i meant no harm to her at all, but I was nevertheless sorry and just let her be. That was still not good enough, she once again reiterated words of defensive aggression, and then there was no more commenting allowed. At that point it was clearly over so I unfollowed her with both my blogs and will let her be, and will now be extra careful with how I comment on other people’s blogs. A part of me thought that should be enough. Another part of me though was hyperventilating, heart racing. yes the anxiety again. Breathing out. Keeping a panic attack from coming. Thinking of those drops I used to have. thinking I don’t need them, where are my breathing exercises? I still can’t find them, so I ask a friend for them, just in case I ever sent them to him. I try and breath out, try vague gestures of dissipating all that hatred and anger that was just sent my way through a fbloody computer. Part of me angry at me, what the hell, where is your composure? You are an adult! I remembered the words of my ex-friend, calling me “oversensitive”. I felt angry and wanted to cry, and was thinking, I am not bloody hypersensitive (yes, that was funny in its way).
In the end, i desperately read through other blogs, tried to regain my happy, some made me laugh some were just kind, i felt level again.
Not for long though.
I went upstairs, it was still there, came downstairs, thought ok let’s sort out that GP appointment. But I don’t trust them they are so useless, have been so useless up to now. So I go look up on the web, how and where does one go to get a bloody diagnosis??? Because I do want the meds, but they have to be the right ones, the right amount. Not something a GP decided to give me, for which i was grateful,because I ASKED HER TO.
So I start looking up this website: Rethink.org. trying to figure out what the right process it. I am starting to breathe better, and I keep away from the thoughts that naturally would then follow that sort of reaction from me, the spiral that gets sparked from it. They are tempted to come out even here on this digital page, but i stop them. Enjoying an Eminem song on an excellent playlist, I regain my breathing, and will now make a coffee, and will spend the rest of the day, or hopefully just the next few minutes, an hour, getting out of the heart pain, stopping the entrance into the spiral, trying to blame myself for being stupid, stopping myself from being like crybaby ’cause someone was mean to me, stopping it all from flooding out.
I have failed. Once again. I will recover, and just hope by the time I have to go get Maggie again I will be not only level, but once more optimistic and positive and stop the blooming mental racing. I hate being so bloody weak. I should take Zoom for a walk, but I can also try to dive into my novel, try that, and a coffee.