Kudoz to me…

This was written a few days ago but I didn’t have the pic I wanted yet so I post it now. The moment is passed but I am still proud so I’m posting it anyway.

I didn’t break that glass today. There was an impetus of anger, as usual what seems to spark it more than anything else are those three little words, whether spoken or shown: “I don’t care”. No matter who says them it’s always an unpleasant set of words, but some people tick me more than others when they say them.

Don’t get me wrong: I am in the wrong here. Smashing a glass, or a plate, or anything else, is something I haven’t done in a long long time. I used to have a tricycle called bam bam not for any cute reasons, but because I would get my little angel butt off it and trash it in frustration over something bam bam obviously didn’t perform well enough in. I’ve had anger issues since forever. I’ve been dealing with them! I have gotten very good at them.

Bambam and I trying to keep up with the older girls in New Zealand.

But this morning, I saw it, that instant. You know how when you fall over and very very nearly bang your head against a sharp corner but don’t? And you’re flooded in adrenaline anyway, as if you were too quick for your own body to know you didn’t hurt yourself in the end? Well, that was similar this morning. The words were spoken, I restrained my anger, then my anger surged back up and I saw myself do it, no, I felt myself do it. I saw the sink and where I would have smashed the glass and the sound it would have made and the mayhem of the other plates breaking.

I saw it all, felt it all, delighted in it, then in a flash thought about kiddos upstairs and didn’t. I didn’t smash the glass. I am very proud of myself. And proudly this morning I took a deep breath. I know you’re supposed to those BEFORE you lose it. But it’s always too late by the time you take a breath. So I did it after, to celebrate.

Well done me yay!


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