I am a bad person. In the end, after many years, that is the conclusion. I do have many wonderful things about me, but on the whole, when it boils down to it, I have this thing where I can be very nasty or even just make lots of little digs, lose my patience, suddenly not be so fun anymore, and voilà, I am horrid and make people miserable.
That is my thing, I am old enough to know it’s not going to change – much. I am much better when happy. I am better when surrounded by magic, and lately I have been unwillingly reducing exposure to magic a lot, my husband is a realist and likes reddit and Dawkin atheists and so on, and I just can’t relate to that hyper-realism and unawareness of everything else intangible yet very real to me.
So here I am, realising every day what I’ve got and the beauty of it all, but also in full awareness that no matter how hard I try, I still make the people I love miserable. And they make me miserable in turn, as well as making me happy, because as a highly sensitive being, I go both ways.
I am more attuned to magic everywhere when my senses run wild and free, but when that happens of course I am also opening up to miserable memories, shocks traumas and just awareness of badness here and now, or then and everywhere.
Example: Today as my daughter and I passed a construction site, I saw the guys had a massive boombox, which looked like an evolution of a crane. it was so awesome I couldn’t believe myself and let out exclamations as I would have done had I been with my sort of friend. But I wasn’t I was with my daughter, whom I had just been telling off for making us late in leaving the house, and she rightly said: “come on, we have to keep going or we’ll e late! Why should you waste time with that boombox when you said I couldn’t waste mine!?”
She’s right, what could I say?
But of course that opened up pathways in my brain, avenues in my heart and I had to actively fight them, and fight them some more, to not let myself slip, to get back to productive, happy and hopeful me.
That every day is so exhausting and yet that is what i do.
What can you do about it? Such is life.
Once it’s established however, it is very difficult to make decisions based on it. When you can be very positive and loving and lovable, people seek you out, and they want to be with you. Then they reach a point where despite all the pretty stuff, the ugly stuff just takes precedence. It gets pointed out. That in turn makes me more miserable and therefore helps the ugly stuff come out some more. It’s a never-ending, eternal, vicious circle.
I can only reach a point where I say well just do what you feel is right. If you feel you cannot be around me anymore, fair enough, just take off.
And lots of people take off.
Their privilege, their right.
It’s the constant effort in between that really drags me down. I do believe people should do their best to change and adapt and be better people. I apply those demands on myself more than on anybody else, but I know what it looks like from the outside: you’re just not trying. Or not trying hard enough.
However, sometimes I just feel like what the hell. I am what I am. Love me or bloody leave me but just leave me be.
I have been making a greater effort with my kids, admittedly, as I’ve been trying very hard to ensure they never have cause to hate me. But that’s quite a lot of effort already, you know? I do have three kids, that’s a lot to live up to as it is.