Tackling writing and manic depression

A few steps have been set in place.

First of all: I edited at least one post.

I had a very clear idea about it at the beginning: as it always happens, what I write in my head is truly beautiful. Then, after many different challenges (finding a computer, starting to write, feeding the cats, taking the dog out, working a day or two…) I finally sat down to write and what came out is nothing like what was in my head.

As I wrote, I felt a vague sense of disgust, of boredom, of repetition. But because I am wilful I wanted it out there so I put it out there. It was now out of my system, which was still a good result, but it also means there is more stuff out there that I wrote, and that I felt, which I am really not happy with.

This over a certain time builds up dissatisfaction with myself and makes me feel like a fraud.

If I feel like a fraud, how am I going to convince other people I’m worth reading?

Yesterday I tackled that vicious cycle.

The post I had in mind was brilliant, funny, to the point, amusing, self-deprecatory. All the qualities you’d wish for that’d make people want to read. By the time I started to write, overcoming all the little and big, self- and other-imposed challenges to writing, what came out was a self-pitying, annoying, whiny piece of stuff.

I re-read what I wrote after a few hours, just out of curiosity, and saw all that. And decided to edit it. I was ashamed for the stuff I was writing. This article I came across on Medium kind of confirmed what I was feeling at the time: a) It is not normal, even for ME, to feel like that, I don’t need to feel like that and b) It’s OK to revise and change it. The end result is not pretty (lack of time mostly, plus the original idea, intention and content had already left my mind) but at least I had removed all the bad feeling.

Also, I was reminded in my readings yesterday that in order to be a writer, one must… write! I remembered when I was a twenty-something and writing just flowed out of me… but it wasn’t just me! I wrote like crazy, wrote essays, wrote books with pen, wrote on computer, wrote letters… I was writing constantly. It was, indeed, practice. I have always had a problem with revision, namely I need to overcome the feeling that anything revised is not “genuine” and that rewriting something feels like that awful thing: repetition. But I’ll eventually get to that too.

Right now, all I need to focus on is: write, write a lot, finish revising what I have already written, write some more, and revise. Revise my thoughts, my feelings, and my writing.




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