I’m beginning to understand some things. I’m beginning to understand people’s stubbornness in choosing stuff or people that are predictable. For a long time I thought predictable=boring as hell.
Then I understood. I am extremely predictable. I LIKE being predictable. You know I’ll always respond giving you the benefit of the doubt, no, more, I’ll always respond assuming you meant to do good. If that proves to not be the case, I will be sure that you felt you were protecting yourself. If even that is disproven, I will be sure you behaved out of trauma, or shock, and sooner or later, you will come back to reason, and all will be well.
I am predictable in my assumption that surely everyone deep down would rather not be hurt and not hurt other people? Thus my complete and utter incomprehension for war, abuse, torture, sadism.
I always believed that people are essentially good, good good, and then things happen to them and like injured beasts, they will behave in different sneaky or aggressive or spiteful ways, as a defence.
Years of studying philosophy and psychology to find just that, proof that my theory was correct. I failed with the books and the discussions, so I chose to test it in practice, and decided to have children. When I was 24-25 I realised I a) was tired of partying and therefore felt ready to dedicate my life to my “project” and b) I wanted so badly to prove my point. I was sure, absolutely certain, that if human beings are loved constantly they will not be bad. When bad things happened in their lives, and they did, I made sure to be even more present, even more reassuring, that things happened but they were loved, and protected as much as I could, and if I should fail, other people loved them and they would protect them too. Then they would be the protectors, of their friends, of their own children if they’ll have them. I’ll only know when they’re much older whether my project worked. So far, so good.
I persevered in this despite not having had that privilege myself, quite the contrary. My life seemed to be out there to show me constantly how nothing is what it seems, and people are concealed monsters who may or may not suddenly jump out at you and grab you. I really don’t understand people who are afraid of dogs or animals in general. Animals are straightforward, unchangeable. If they are about to attack you, you know it, and you can always avoid it. Unless of course they’re hungry and you’re prey but there you go.
The problem with this evidently skewered impression of human nature is that I expect no less from myself than what I expect, unshakably, from other people. My own moral standards towards myself are excruciatingly exacting. I make mistakes and have lashed out sometimes, regretting it instantly and always trying to make amends, but really on the whole well, I just don’t. I would rather move away from someone than harm anybody or hurt them. Of course in moving away from them I have also hurt many people, but when push comes to shove, I find it best.
It is the reason why I have always taken drugs with extreme pleasure but with extreme caution too. Every drug (that includes alcohol) will cause a different mood/ability, and if you’re not careful a drug such as marijuana or acid or even alcohol in the right amounts will just open your eyes on what is in front of you, and you don’t always want to hear/see what is in front of you.
I like predictable, but I don’t bullshit myself. So I can never sit back and relax with anybody, ever. Not anymore. Their monsters are always peeking out at me, winking at me, always ready to pounce. I have my own to keep under control, I am tired. I want to live in a house with just animals, and leave people to handle themselves. Perhaps let my own monsters out for a stroll once in a while, monsters such as rage, hatred, envy, fear, which I am constantly holding back, rebuking if they so much as show their faces.
I am surrounded by people whose monsters are either very quiet or under great control or manageable, but occasionally they wink at me too. Reminding me, that in an instant, the person I have before me can warp and change and lash at me or my loved ones.