We’re not what we seem…

My lovely sister-in-law came to visit, and there was one thing she said that set my thoughts running: speaking of someone who used to be an important part of her life, she said:”He is not as he seems”.
I can’t help thinking that if we ever believe we know someone so completely that they will ever surprise us to the extent that we say something like that, that someone would have to be a very shallow person indeed.
Does anyone really feel that there is one level, one thought about everything, one way to see life, one way our soul, or inner drive or whatever you want to call it, lies?
Personally, people who seem to be black or white are people I tend to get very bored with and have no interest in. As well as being people I tend to keep very far away from me, because I am most definitely NOT black and white, I can potentially change my mood, my preferences, my moral stance and my entire philosophy at the drop of a hat. How would these people cope with me?
So how do we deal with people, how do we build close relationships if we must start from the assumption that everybody could potentially change, if not at the drop of a hat, at least following major events in their life?
We relate to them as we go. If you are trusting them so much that you feel supported and safe, you ARE being supported and safe. And if they turn around tomorrow and you feel they have transformed and are no longer the people you thought you knew, they WERE, at the time, they’re just not right now. So now you have to rely on yourself, to provide whatever that person used to provide. It’s as simple as that.
My life has been a never-ending collection of people transforming in front of my eyes. Acquaintances becoming life masters or best friends, best friends, close relatives or guidance roles people changing and warping and morphing into superficial friends, monsters, enemies. You’re not going to surprise me, and I will never make a lifelong plan of reliance on anybody. So that, when people are no longer what they seem, which really just means they are now showing you (or themselves) a new aspect of themselves, and that aspect is a threat, or is painful, or is something you want to keep away from you, I do just that, and move away.
I have seen people trusting a friend or a relative completely, thinking they were safe there, thinking that was their cosy home. I also saw the denial they lived in, and, due to my almost preternatural ability to see the potential “I”s lurking behind every manifest I, I just hope for the best for them, but I know they are doomed to some form of disappointment, sooner or later. As well as placing way too many unfair expectations on that person (speaking from the point of view of someone who is at least aware of her constant changes and fluctuations).
Just take people for what they are being for you right now, right this second, and do not invest. Move fast on the highway of potential to get the most out of your friendship and relationship, and if it keeps growing, or it just stays and feels good, great! Never assume, never take for granted, never.
And, finally, the worst surprises come from those who appear to be, or believe themselves to be, the simplest, the most easily categorised, the ones you think will never change and therefore you can roll up in them and feel cosy: they are the ones most likely to let you down and shock you in their turns. Which is also why my favourite people have always been the multi-shaded people. At least you know that you never know.

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2 thoughts on “We’re not what we seem…

  1. But sometimes you need to commit. Being free and easy come easy go with friends and relationships is fine, but sometimes we need a partner in crime, a partner in life. Once that has been agreed on by the couple -marriage etc – then you still need to accept that a relationship will change, will morph and grow, have bad patches and good patches – but you need that knowledge that you will not be let down or abandoned. That you will both strive to be true to yourselves and take into account the other persons needs and desires (at that particular time of their lives)

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    1. Umm I am looking at it from a different angle. Who are you committing to? That is the true question. If you are committing to a single aspect of a person’s personality, then of course you will be feeling betrayed and let down when another aspect of the same person comes out. And I am speaking of relatives and best friends and acquaintances here, not just partners.
      The crime you are partners of may not be shared by both, because it’s very unlikely one person is a clone of another. So it’s up to you, when you make a promise to someone, spoken or unspoken, to friends, children and partners, to ensure you are taking in the whole of the other person, and to you could withstand the time in their life when they are your least favourite aspect. Most disappointments I see around me is people who say “oh but I thought he was always going to be there for me!” and instead the guy is just thinking of himself and placing himself first, which was always there for you to see, except you chose not to see it, and preferred to enter a denial by which you thought that person was always, and would always be there for YOU. That is the sillyness but that sillyness is part of society’s ploy to say we are one sort of person and therefore it’s ok to make stupidly long term plans.
      You promise to be there for your children till they’re 18, that’s the LAW, even if they become assholes. After that,m if they’re assholes (from your point of view) or simply prefer to go in such a different direction form you that you have nothing to share, that’s it, they are gone. You “promise” to be there for your best friends as long as you have something to share with each other, as long as there is stuff you can do for each other, otherwise you may go along your different currents, until the flow brings you back together, as you both morph and change, go separate ways and then come back.
      As for the long term relationships, those are the hardest. BOTH should be aware of the other person’s complexity, of all the horrors and the beauties within them, and decide whether they can withstand the manifestation of most of them (there is always the chance of even more surprising aspects). But if you commit to always love and cherish a person’s aspect, and choose to ignore all the others, you are being a massive hypocrite, albeit unwittingly, and will probably be disappointed, and disappoint, at some stage. It’s all about self-awareness.

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