It’s getting worse. I can tolerate very few people, very few opinions by now. Anything closed minded, paradoxically, I cannot seem to come to terms with anymore.
A man in his sixties, close to our family: I used to laugh at his jokes that put down women, thinking they were sparked by his relationship with the woman he was living with, whom I knew well and loved very much, a brilliant, beautiful, sweet but also very hard and uncompromisingly intelligent woman. I thought his comments were fun and loving really, that he didn’t mean them: I thought what they meant was: “She is such a better person than me, and I feel so relatively useless compared to her, and I am so unashamed of the utter love I feel for her, that’s it’s ok for me to joke about how stupid, limited and conniving women are. Because I don’t really mean it.”.
Now, she’s dead. He lives with his ex-wife. His jokes are no longer funny. He makes the same jokes about his daughter, and about his ex-wife.
They now sound like honest opinions.
I believe he is a good man. I still care about him. But I don’t think he’s kidding anymore. And, unfortunately, neither (I think) are those that laugh along with him.
Is my driving desire to do something, anything, that is deeply mine, a silly desire typical of an irrational woman? Is that why I find nobody determined to help me fulfil it? Is that why there’s never a good time to do it, and there has never been since forever? Is that why I never found anybody who would push me with the force I have used in the past to fulfil this “overly vague” dream of mine? When will the right time be, if it is a matter of timing? How definite does it have to be, before I receive the encouragement and determined help to make it come true I have given others in the past? Am I just clutching at straws?