On tolerance and the lack thereof

It’s getting worse. I can tolerate very few people, very few opinions by now. Anything closed minded, paradoxically, I cannot seem to come to terms with anymore.

A man in his sixties, close to our family: I used to laugh at his jokes that put down women, thinking they were sparked by his relationship with the woman he was living with, whom I knew well and loved very much, a brilliant, beautiful, sweet but also very hard and uncompromisingly intelligent woman. I thought his comments were fun and loving really, that he didn’t mean them: I thought what they meant was: “She is  such a better person than me, and I feel so relatively useless compared to her, and I am so unashamed of the utter love I feel for her, that’s it’s ok for me to joke about how stupid, limited and conniving women are. Because I don’t really mean it.”.

Now, she’s dead. He lives with his ex-wife.  His jokes are no longer funny. He makes the same jokes about his daughter, and about his ex-wife.

They now sound like honest opinions.

I believe he is a good man. I still care about him. But I don’t think he’s kidding anymore. And, unfortunately, neither (I think) are those that laugh along with him.

Is my driving desire to do something, anything, that is deeply mine, a silly desire typical of an irrational woman? Is that why I find nobody determined to help me fulfil it? Is that why there’s never a good time to do it, and there has never been since forever? Is that why I never found anybody who would push me with the force I have used in the past to fulfil this “overly vague” dream of mine? When will the right time be, if it is a matter of timing? How definite does it have to be, before I receive the encouragement and determined help to make it come true I have given others in the past? Am I just clutching at straws?


One thought on “On tolerance and the lack thereof

  1. the right time is the right time. There is no need for push or pressure. When the right time comes, you will know it. You are getting there as that feeling is getting stronger and stronger. One day it will start choking you and you will not be able to do anything else. Hell, you will not be able to think about anything else…

    And that is when you do whatever you have to. Just remember one thing – make sure that the reason you are not doing it right now is not some kind of fear of failure or a useless belief that you can’t , should not, are not allowed to, and etc…


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