The original title was “bad”. Bad because I have a nasty temper, bad because I get rowdy and loud way too quickly, and because it is true that the pill makes me generally more relaxed and happier, but it is also true that when I get a little nervous, I am furious in two minutes. I don’t always show it, but I feel submerged in waves of rage, and the weird thing is, I love it.
It is a very similar feeling, or at least related to, the samurai breathing meditation I had learnt back a long long time ago. I remember mastering it and feeling it and telling my teacher that I couldn’t imagine myself ever being in a situation that would require SUCH power and rage and force and fury. t was called the “samurai” meditation, and I could see why.
The first time I had tried it, surrounded by other people who contributed in giving it strength and potency, I felt like two dragon wings were growing from my back, red hot and fearsome and fiery. It didn’t hurt, but it BURNT. And the then drive, the sheer force forward. Had anybody stepped in my way, had I defend myself against a small army, I would have. I felt no doubt I could do it.
I believe that everything we have ever experienced in life is somewhere there in the recesses of our mind’s cataloguing system, and can occasionally come out, whether because we want it to, and are therefore aware of it, or because it just does. Sometimes things happened that lower your natural levees, and bits of this accumulated knowledge burst out.
When it happens, and you can’t control it, it’s scary. I feel the beginning of the rage, and can only hope it will remained somewhat contained. But it peeps out and it is scary, and all I can do is apologise for my overreactions, knowing full well it isn’t going to be enough for very long. One day, the levee will burst, won’t it? Or not. Who knows.
I cannot give up something as helpful in keeping my moods and my happiness under control as this is, but at the same time the bits of me it is bringing out, without a moment’s notice and uncontrollably, is scary.
In just about a couple of hours, I managed to provoke two pretty radical and angry reactions in two very dear friends. Sooner or later I’ll alienate some others, I guess it’s just the way it works. But at the same time, the sheer immediacy of it all is terrifying.