I guess I really am the eternal adolescent an old friend (probably more than one, really) said I was.
I can think of the planet, think of society, think of all the great large themes the world over. But in the end, it always comes back to me. My life has to be exactly the way I chose it to be. And as it never really is, of course, or I’d be inhuman, I struggle towards it every day.
When your wishes for a perfect life include as many elements as mine, it gets complicated.
You want to spend every moment of your time travelling… but you have children and no money and so you can’t.
You want to open your garden up for everyone to come and partake of the bounty… but that means letting the pigs in too, as my good friend and mentor Luciano Furcas once taught me. He was taught the lesson by letting his beautiful garden open and the pigs (literally, pigs, not only the humans referred to as metaphors) came in and destroyed it.
While many of the adults (and even adolescents, god knows my adolescents are far more mature than I am or ever was) that surround me might think it’s cute to occasionally indulge in poetic existentialist interests, I live for them every day of my life.
I can’t help it though. I’m 41 and not much is likely to change. I try and enjoy every minute of the things that I love doing, and try not to think of them as things I HAVE no choice but do, lest I cause devastation. But I’m a Libra, natural scales, and I’ve always been very good at weighing things up and opting for what carries more weight. Also because I don’t have the resistance, the willpower or the stamina to choose to lift what carries less weight. A very lazy set of scales, really.
But sometimes, sometimes the scales refuse to tip on either side. Sometimes there you go, a lump here and the opposing lump there and you just cannot get them to clearly show you which weights most. And because you are an adolescent, other people’s views doesn’t always help: their perspective is different than mine.
The usual song that comes to mind, and that has of course obsessed me so much when the choice was indeed literally between staying and going, is good old Clash’s Should I stay or Should I go.
But right now I choose to look away, and just get lost in some Cosmic Dancing.
Unrelated, but I must share nevertheless, the next song on iTunes is Leonard Cohen’s completely beautiful hey that’s no way to see goodbye. Which reminds me of this wonderful Lemonheads version with Liv Tyler as an added bonus. She really is a completely gorgeous creature.