My greatest achievement has been to stay alive.
I am good at survival, very good at problem solving, at seeing solutions most may not think about.
I lived a life of emergency, and I kind of stopped dealing with emergencies relatively recently, and found myself with nothing practical to show for myself. No real skill, no knowledge, I barely get by as a translator. Virtually anything you do needs dedication, talent, time and passion. It’s getting the four of those to work together for one single thing that has been as yet impossible for me.
Yesterday I read a nice blog post by Monniiee. I read her often and always like her thoughts but yesterday, coming across her second blog and reading this post, it was like she had decided to answer my question.
I’m not sure I’m quite ready yet. To decide this will be passed on to the next generation. To decide that as far as I’m concerned I’m done. BUT it is true that one of the reasons why I keep writing on this blog is for anybody who might decide to do stuff and get inspiration from what I did, or from how I see the world.
I happen to think it’s not a bad way to see the world, and one of the things that frustrates me most is the idea that I wasn’t able to implement it on a larger scale than my very basic immediate family/tribe.
Many people (including myself) have had the misguided opinion that I have low self-esteem. Some people would burst out laughing at that. I’d say it’s somewhere in between. I am very very aware of my skills and abilities, am aware that in some ways they are exceptional, but am also aware of being incredibly lazy, incredibly concerned with others, and will only do what feels right to me and what doesn’t affect anybody negatively. Also, I like the things I do to satisfy me right now. This makes it very difficult to achieve anything, of course. Unless you are rich to begin with which unfortunately, also thanks to my Dad doing what HE felt right at all times (which makes him not be rich either), I’m not.
So I need to make time, no longer to make my dreams come true, which is proving to be utterly impossible, but to tell others about them, to put them in a sensible form. The last time I tried to do that was to apply for a European grant a kind soul told me I might have access to if I did a proper business plan. However, I had two very small children, no money to pay the rent, work to go to and a bulimic au-pair babysitter to deal with, and by the time all of them were asleep and I could have time for myself I was shattered.
But a life plan sounds like a good idea. I could write my theory of how things could be, and maybe someone else with more skills and patience and knowledge than I can go prove to all the people who think what I feel is cute but has no practical basis how perfectly feasible and logical it is. I might be able to put down the ideas, and someone else, perhaps one of my clever sons or my daughter, can do all the “backing up with facts”.
A woman hates me outside school. I have no idea why. I saw her today as I cycled in under the rain with my daughter. She was smiling and pushing a buggy and talking to someone. Then she saw me and her face transfigured into a mask of hatred, resentment and violence. Our only past interaction was a few days ago, as she chatted with another woman, their buggies everywhere, and I had to walk my bike to the fence with my daughter on the back. I said “excuse me”. I was polite and nice. As I parked the bile I overheard her saying to the other woman, quite loudly, making sure I heard, “She said excuse me!”.
I have no idea what I’ve done to this woman, but wish she would turn her hateful vibes elsewhere*.
But yes, thank you Monniiee: whether I do anything about it, or decide to pass it on, the dreaming cannot die with me, so I will stop mourning it.
Indeed “no dream worth living should ever die with the dreamer.”
Edit, 13/12/2012 *I later discovered what her problem was: the woman has a violent partner, the children have started to show it in the way they talk and scream… I feel for her, hope she will find the courage to get out before her children are ruined and made miserable forever, and make other people miserable in turn