A side note

I struggled to find a competent link about it, for those whole 3 minutes I dedicated to its search. I struggle to explain how it feels to me, the going from a constant eternal struggle to understand why I seemed to be so alone in my view of the world, why I could understand how pleasant it would be for someone to have me around for a bit, with my quirkiness, but I couldn’t understand how utterly unbearable I could become if you spent enough time with me. I couldn’t understand why I was so unbearable to myself and ultimately, I couldn’t explain to anybody why a perfectly adventurous and fulfilling life could be unbearable to me.

I would never have thought that the mention of a “condition” mentioned in a fun but harmless TV series could initiate a process of self-discovery that would be as immense and as life-changing as it would be unexplored (through lack of time mostly).

I don’t know whether this “condition” is explored by science properly. I have my own conclusions about it, and I may want to share those conclusions. I might be curious to ask my counsellor if I can afford to go back to her whether it can be “diagnosed” and whether she can give me any helpful drugs :).

But right now, what matters, is that a hell of a lot that other people thought was “me”, has gone. Magic, reiki, tarot, what have you. It’s all gone. I know feel that I have my answer: yes what you saw was true. Yes it is normal, as you always thought, and in theory ANYBODY can see what you see (mostly helped by drugs). In practice, most don’t, and they are lucky, in some ways, that they don’t, because their life, made of certainties and more black and whites than they think, is soooo much more relaxing. It feels good to be certain of something, to always be sure. It feels good to be able to actually focus on something, to be able to close some stimuli out of your experience.
But I somehow feel even less able to talk. Removing metaphorical descriptions (magic, astrology, tarot, reiki, chi, what have you) that I always thought were created merely to try and define a perception of reality that was very difficult to explain otherwise, has left me more speechless than usual.
Perhaps yet another of my eternal wishes is coming true: to not be able to speak anymore, so that I couldn’t frustrate myself in my listeners’ lack of understanding.

Oh, and I feel much, much more powerful than ever with my life, now that i finally understand what the limits are actually made of. A bit like Neo finally being able to outmove the Agents, when he understands what the stuff around him is made of.


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