The silence is deafening.

Not getting any reaction froma  friend about my absence, not getting a reaction form my husband about our distancing. I am aware now that the things I wished for most, in a prtner, are not things he can offer. The help the support, the keeping up, the initiative: he does a lot, it’s true, but it’s not the things I’d like. The talking whilst reading books in the living room, the discussing of everything that has happened to us in the day, in our heads… that’s for people kike Judge and Cindy who ahve set up their relationship like that… and we berated them. In truth, I berated the isolation because I missed them, but I knew I vnvied that relationship of talking, if not openness. And so once again I relaise I feel in love with an ideal of a perosn and not the perosn. And in this case, however, he is not to blame in any way. He is still good and does his best and loves me so much in his own way.

What to do then? Destroy everything for my boys and him and our friends and relatives? Just because he is not exactly what I wanted and hoped for and for what? In the hope of actually find that someone? But I already know he doesn’t exist!

Or rather, somehow, he doesn’t exist for me, the world has decided I shall not meet that imaginary man.

I don’t want to leave him, so I should just appreciate all he can do and does, and accept what he doesn’t, and be happy, and stop moaning, like everyone either says or implies or suggests or hints at.

It still hurts though, it hurts to end my life like this. It feels like, once again,compromise and not trying hard enough. How weird is it to see houses I like, and realize I am thinking of them for me, alone. So many things I see for me alone and how ungrateful and wrong is that???

I know I would miss him so so much if we broke up, and I know i’d be miserable as well as everyone else. Why ca’t i stop my heart then wishing to be alone rather than compromising? Rather than feeling alone with someone who loves me just cause he cannot relate on those few things, but he is the best man in the world for so many others?

Shit if i only i knew why my head and my heart worked like that, if there was a purpose to it, something i’m supposed to do, some test, something!

I want it to stop 😦


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